Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
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Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER: