him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
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[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
who wore it better?
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I need to update my racial profile.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .