him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
You Might Also Like
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
lmao
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend