him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
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Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
i wish we could shoplift online
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.