HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
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Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Body by Oreos
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!