Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
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Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Sorry I made promises on Friday
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.