Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
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[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
New mindset, who dis?
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.