Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
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10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.