Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
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the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
listen closely
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”