Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
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[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
So sick of all these stupid rules
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.