Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
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Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
me: there鈥檚 something gross in my soup.
waiter: that鈥檚 your reflection
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn鈥檛 ask me a single one.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
if your name is Christy and you鈥檙e fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Them: Do your best you can鈥檛 hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer馃嵑.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Mmmmm white people
– sharks