M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
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me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer