Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
You Might Also Like
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.