Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
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My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
who wants to go expliring
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?