Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
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*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
opening a flower shop called women in stem
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.