Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
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Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
The Sun
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary