Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
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[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room