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@RedheadChaos: Him: What's your cup size?
@JustASmirk: The best part of being lactose intolerant is the cure for constipation is cheese.
@AndyAsAdjective: Boss, I can't come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
@Sarcasmo718: When I'm sad I drive over to Keanu Reeve's house and watch him check the mailbox for scripts.
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?"
Nurse: "B positive."
Doctor: "Okay. I don't think this patient is dying."
@KristinGnr: To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That's why you run WITH the flow of traffic