Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
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“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?