Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
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Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I’m giving up for Lent.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
OH. COME. ON.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does