Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
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To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
The news
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.