Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
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When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart