him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
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Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.