Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
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Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Good dog. ❤️
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I put the hot in psychotic.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
choose your gary
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now