Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
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Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I know this now 😂
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.