Him: Why are the lights out? Are u avoiding trick or treaters?
Me (Peeling a Snickers bar by the light of my iPhone): Exactly.
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It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
respect
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.