Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
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My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
also my go-to takeaway order
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Twitter remains undefeated
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!