Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
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Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Morning.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.