Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
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Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
We cut our bangs at dawn.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day