Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
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That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Harsh but fair
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing