Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
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My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I unironically love this joke.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits