Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
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Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
no one ever comes back
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
what’s more important?