Lmao
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they should invent a hydrating liquor
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Labreador
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?