I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
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I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!