Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
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This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?