Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
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According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato