God, I love Scotland
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You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
#FunnyLife Insects
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.