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@mishakey: Him: Wow you're eating again?
Me: Wow you're celibate again?
@farleftcoast: Sometimes I get really stoned and stare at phone and wonder why I pay so much money for a government tracking device.
@roggyie: If Tetris has taught me anything it's that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
@KalvinMacleod: [highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I'm a top chef. You?
ME: I'm an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what's an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
@RealSamHarwood: Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
@longwall26: Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world's first clown.