THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
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Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on