Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
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me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.