You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
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THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]