I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
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When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
A flock of dads is called a grill.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Simple
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*