Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
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Squirrels before girls.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti