Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
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So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Finally
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.