Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
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Canada has crack?
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw