If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
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In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me