Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
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Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.