*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
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When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
When you kidnap a writer.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic