HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
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my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)