Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
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me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
🤣🤣🤣
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.